changes, updates, passwords, frustrations

I haven’t blogged for a few years, imagine, if you will, walking back into this place a few years since the last time…

Yup, I forgot my user name and password. There have been changes, things they call ’upgrades’ (eye-roll on my part), many things are different than when I blogged everyday and was in the flow of daily posts. It was so easy. These past 2 posts have not been easy.

But…

I know I will get better at it, things will get easier, I will know all the shortcuts before long. It will be worth it!

Towards evening…

The world becomes drenched in pink light

and the full moon lives smudgy in the sky

Noticing this soft smile in the window shadowed light

I reflect, again, on who I have become in this life’s moment 

Losing things still makes me a bit nervous 

I still watch the gas tank light appearance with an edge of panic 

and can’t relax when my phone is left with my towel

While I’m in a public pool

But I can spend some money on unnecessary and fun things

Without panic 

24 years of walking pilgrim –

Carrying what I could

Leaving the rest behind

Losing so much and many

Letting go with open hands

Looking forward with long term vision

Leaping net-less over and over

Learning to trust without proofs

Holding hope every moment 

Finding God, and life, faithful 

Having crossed harsh borders 

into this new county 

Flowing with milk and honey

Flowers blooming

Living present 

In time with the seasons of love

Remembering to Breathe

Remembering to laugh

Remembering to give thanks

Remembering to sing

That is truly all I need to do to be successful 

Remembering to forgive

all that came before now

Remembering to live alive

Right now

That is enough

That is everything 

❤️

Self Portrait #10 by Amy Mehringer

11 years ago today…

11 years ago, on March 18, 2011, during the season of Lent, I started this very blog.

I had no idea where life would lead during the next decade, but for lots of those years my way is chronicled in this blog. It’s the picture of a beautiful, difficult pathway, always leading me into life.

Over the past few weeks, without realizing the anniversary was coming today, this work has been calling to me again, after a hiatus of a while…

Last year was a whirlwind of wedding and moving and working on a business together, and buying and remodelIng a house and moving again.

Now THAT’s done!!! Yay!

Could it be, could there be…time…to do this again? Possibly, maybe.

I feel ready to explore it!

From the porch last night…

There was a moment 

When the light softened, 

when the day shifted 

from day to evening.

When my eyes began to feel unafraid to look in that Western-ly direction. 

When diamonds turned to molten gold,

and the riches of this place

felt earned and bestowed.

Vision of Emerald stripes, 

Spring smells,

the sound of duck and bird,

touch of cold nose,

smell of fresh cut grass

taste of salt and earth,

Blended into the deep orange 

breathing-full purple and gray

the still glass of the lake reflecting 

this brilliant light and

all the tall trees,

Standing ready to burst. 

There was a moment

when the decadent spread, 

This feast of the heart,

Eyes,

Soul,

Senses – 

Felt completely satisfied 

In this day

Full, 

Fuller,

Fullest,

Fully-Felt –

As only this moment 

could be felt. 

Allowed

Experienced

Loved

Brought to surface 

to belong in the world 

of my ever surprising, 

evolving life 

There was a moment 

When lingering in 

gathering dusk,

quick creeping chill,

(after glowing warm)

adventurous puppy,

abundance of gifts,

gratuitous gratefulness,

all encompassing awareness,

my body and mind sat still,

while my soul and heart 

had a riotous dance party

all among the daffodils,

toasting life,

with all its wonder!

There was a moment 

when, content and satiated,

I took up my empty glass,

went inside,

and lit the fire. 

Amy Mehringer 3.2022

As William Blake https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Blake used to say, “I’ve found my place to die.” Not anytime soon, hopefully, would love to spend the next lovely piece of years right here, and share the path from this place for a while –

maybe a little…

maybe a lot…

who knows…

all I know for sure is…

Life is a gift

in every difficulty,

in every easy,

in every sadness,

in every joy,

in every lonely,

in every lovely –

find the peace by finding the joy

In this broken world,

there is still more goodness

than anything else you will ever find.

The best is always yet to come.

Big Moves

Sometimes the magnitude of how life is changing for me brings me to a complete stop – as I sit, stand, pause, keep washing the dishes, etc. and just acknowledge these huge moments and breathe my gratitude for all that is now…

Dental Appointments
Easter Decorations
Grocery Shopping
Cooking Dinner
Baking bread
New Curtains
Creating a home
Two becoming One

The Path to Union

By means of Invocation, the being awakens,
and awakening becomes fullness.
By means of balancing, fullness becomes internal wholeness.
By virtue of exteriorized attention,
internal wholeness becomes communion.
By virtue of self-forgetfulness,
Communion becomes Union.

-David Truman

Life seems so simple in so many ways…
have decided to just stay in this moment
and allow life to find it’s way

I SAID GOODBYE TO OLD KEYS

I said goodbye to old keys,
faded welcome mats, too—

chipped porcelain, torn feelings,
and fragmented dreams.

I said goodbye to past things
that were no longer true:

Bad connections,
warped reflections,

and high expectations
I couldn’t hold to.

I said goodbye to old pain,
bitter tears and dull varnish;

so long, wishes that waned
or got covered with tarnish.

I said goodbye to old keys
that open doors obsolete—

‘bye to staying too long
when it’s better to leave.

And goodbye to
the land of fabricated ideals,

—goodbye make-believe.
Hello, what is real.

Goodbye, over-thinking.
Hello, let it be.

I said, hello cloudless mind,
rolling hills and new scenes.

Old Keys by Susan Frybort Brown

grow old with me…

 WHAT I PROPOSE TO do now is to try listening to my life as a whole, or at least to certain key moments of the first half of my life thus far, for whatever of meaning, of holiness, of God, there may be in it to hear. My assumption is that the story of any one of us is in some measure the story of us all.

For the reader, I suppose, it is like looking through someone else’s photograph album. What holds you, if nothing else, is the possibility that somewhere among all those shots of people you never knew and places you never saw, you may come across something or someone you recognize. In fact—for more curious things have happened—even in a stranger’s album, there is always the possibility that as the pages flip by, on one of them you may even catch a glimpse of yourself. Even if both of those fail, there is still a third possibility which is perhaps the happiest of them all, and that is that once I have put away my album for good, you may in the privacy of the heart take out the album of your own life and search it for the people and places you have loved and learned from yourself, and for those moments in the past—many of them half forgotten—through which you glimpsed, however dimly and fleetingly, the sacredness of your own journey. 

💖

Frederich Buechner

These two paragraphs conclude the introduction to The Sacred Journey:

Living is the hardest thing you’ll ever do after all it kills you. 

    – Audrey Hepburn

There is no escape from the higher themes of my life

Moving into

As above so below

Mirror mirror

Hearts burning alive

The problems of this sector 

is like smoke sitting in my lungs

Crazy dreams help me let go

Of the old traumas

As the butterfly emerges

Evolves

Becomes

Beauty captivates

I will be its prisoner

Feed me forever

until I die

‘Love always wins’

&

‘The best is yet to come’

Will continue to be my life bridging mantras

these few steps across the great divide of 

Before 

&

After

Holding hands

Leaping together 

into 

the mysterious melting pot

of the greatest learning life provides 

two becoming one

intertwining 

through our days

of good/bad

happy/sad

rich/poor

forever more

gracefully, gratefully holding 

this amazing gift

💞

Amy Mehringer 

.changes in latitude.changes in attitude.

What does it take to be kind in a moment of aggravation? In a moment of tiredness? When things don’t go quite your way?

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. 

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

It is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you everywhere

like a shadow or a friend.

~Naomi Shihab Nye

I don’t care who your mother or father are/or were 

It’s none of my business

I care that you can overcome the dysfunction you grew up in

and become the highest and best self you were created to be

❤️

I don’t care how beautiful your body is, or how often you go to the gym 

It’s truly boring to me

I care about the way you take care of yourself, the laughter lines gathering at the sides of your eyes and your ability to tell the truth at any given moment 

❤️

I don’t care what church you go to

It’s a non issue for me

I care that you recognize beauty, that your prayers are conversations and that the mystery is larger than when you started seeking 

❤️

I don’t care about fancy hotels and trendy labels

I like luxury a lot, yet it’s not my main concern 

I care that you treat people well and with kindness and that you have the ability to relax and enjoy every moment of life – from the simple to the sublime 

❤️

I don’t care who you vote for in any given election 

Politics are my least favorite thing in the world

In my opinion, Politicians are mouthpieces for the money & power behind the curtain 

I care about your character, what you do when no one is looking, how you empower people to step into their own skin and your desire to be vulnerable with your humanity 

❤️

I don’t care what you used to have/or currently have in your bank account

That’s not what I value about you

I care about the way you interact and take care of the people who you are in relationship with and those who work for you, your ability to love others for who they are and how you encourage them to shine in their own light

❤️

I don’t care what celebrities you have met, or known in your life

They stand in their own shoes as you and I each must stand in our own

I care that you love your own voice and believe in the gifts God has heaped upon you and that you pour them out into the world freely and joyfully knowing it’s what makes the angels rejoice

❤️

I don’t care about the mistakes you have made or how disappointing life has been for you in the past

I care that you know your Next choice is always your most important and that there is ALWAYS something good in your day, if you choose to find it

❤️

I don’t care about your rants, your dogma, your ego or your willingness to be a bully

Ive experienced my share of abuse and control by narcissists and I refuse to be broken or a victim. Im healing those wounds and take responsibility for my own part in allowing it to happen 

I care that you repent and will look your own patterns and actions in the eye and say, ‘I was wrong’ ‘I’m Sorry’ ‘Please forgive me’ ‘Thank you’ ‘I love You’ Changed behavior is the only thing I will accept and allow in my life from here

❤️

I don’t care if you’re a genius, or if you consider yourself one

I’m rather intelligent myself, but that’s not anything to brag about

I care that you can have a meaningful conversation with anyone who happens to be connected to you at any given moment – from the person who cleans your dirt to the person who does your surgery

❤️

I don’t care if you have blood decreed blue or royal, or if you have a doctorate of something fancy and that is what you believe makes you better, in some way, than me or others

It brings sadness to my heart that some people consider themselves better than others. We are all made of dust and stars. 

I care about your soul, which has the same exact value of every other soul which has ever existed or will exist in a body on this earth 

❤️

The Important Things by Amy Mehringer

building a life…together

Sometimes

things hurt…

that certain wording…

raises Lazarus from the sepulcher…

that thing dead…

becoming alive as it

becomes deader…

any lingering hope…

carried unknown…

rising on a turn-of-phrase…

twist-of-fate

grief comes in

rising tides…

with a birthday celebration…

a wish for happiness…

becomes a greater letting go…

a working through…

of what you didn’t know…

you still held in your heart…

it is right and proper…

to cry a little…

scream a little…

speak your truth

then let your heart settle

into the blue and gold softness

of forgiveness

of letting go

of what no longer serves

then stepping firmly into relationship

life without the edge

of the bleeding cut

letting the wounds heal

in the cleared air between your two hearts

recognize the moment

when the pain is no longer sharp

start this new beginning

free

to be happy

to build a new safe dwelling

smile when the wind blows through your hair

reminding you of the work you have completed

to accept both parts of the gift

giving and receiving equally important

take the step forward

and commit to your new life

—-

2 Days Before the Wedding by Amy Lloyd 01.07.21

celebrate early and often

welcome to the next chapter….

this morning

Let the world go 

to rest awhile

Then be still in this nothingness

 of a world awaiting birth 

Until you can let what wants to come

find you

In this morning’s tender light 

and delicate shadows

Release all your dreams,

which died unexpectedly last night. 

Sit a while with this momentary glimpse of eternity 

found within your paralyzing grief

This surprising grand canyon of void within. 

Feel small within your new vast emptiness, 

Watch it slowly spreading out in front of you to the north

Awaken to this reverberating Call

For you to allow your rising

To be like the hawk floating free 

in the bluest skies you’ve ever seen

Only when you are ready 

Get up

make your bed

open the unlocked door

Then open your whole self to speak

Those holy words you found carved into your grave stone

those words which the fire has refined into purest gold

The words which define your life

True and beautiful

These are the words

You will use to create a new heaven 

and a new earth

Where the lion and the lamb will walk as best friends

speak with the authority you have earned 

by letting everything 

which did not belong to you 

go its own way 

with your highest blessing 

your speaking now

will draw back the deep-blue velvet curtain of the darkest night

Revealing that great star pointing towards Bethlehem exploding in wild joy 

And the angels still singing stanzas of “Glory to God in the highest”

At your amazing, graceful arrival 

home

at long last

Into the glorious music of your own 

unwavering, 

stable,

passionate 

heartbeat

bright & early

when I ride the nights ragged hours

when my loneliness rages with ruthless, restless, too warm turning 

when heaven is that smudge of light

seen beside the farthest star

when sleep is torn from my hungry grasp

and I am left without an inch of satisfaction 

from the feathers beneath my head

when I open my eyes to the same shade of black

I see with them closed

then I feel the disappearance of my desire to conform

my self is borderless at 3 am

my pretensions dissolve into this dark

I surrender to my grief

as well as to my hope

I swim to the other end of the bed

to cooler pastures

I visit the sheep 

living among the stuff 

down there

I listen as they recited the 23rd Psalm 

to reassure my nervous entering

in that strange world

I hear all the sounds from this new dimension 

my mind takes on the shape of new perspective 

alert to this unusual adventure 

I cry a little

laugh a little

think about the glory of love

the world turns on its axis

I breath free at last

and fly home to dream

😴

Amy Lloyd

What light?

look yonder. 

Is that a candle in the window of a stranger?

or could it be the glow of love

from the heart of a friend?

a fellow pilgrim with shining eyes.

a brother or sister,

who may not look like me,

may not talk like me, 

but with whom I share the same royal bloodline –

the light of hope 

which lives within all

created by God

for goodness sake

let me come near to you

let me share your table 

let’s walk in this light together for a while

so I can learn your songs

and you can learn mine

🎹

Amy Lloyd

you trigger me…Im sorry…please forgive me…thank you…I love you

let’s do something new

me and you

let’s travel uncharted territory 

make new maps of all we find

🌎

let’s create a new heaven

and a new earth

just by touching each other’s souls

tracing hearts around each other’s scars

🌎

let’s do something extraordinary 

something spectacular 

 something world changing

something wild

🌎

let’s do something harder than making ordinary love

something out of this world

something like the sound of the whales

something creating such pretty orange colored, purple striped, green polkadot skies

🌎

Let’s do something in a new and honest way

something angry and triggering

something healing and hopeful

something so powerful the angels stop breathing for minutes at a time

🌎

let’s create a brand new star

just by loving each other

so completely 

it starts a supernova of epic proportion

🌎

let’s do something fun

something we can laugh at forever

something to bring joy into the room

peace into this broken world

🌎

Amy Lloyd

seekers & stars

First

The fish needs to say,

‘something aint right about this

Camel ride

And I’m

Feeling so damn

Thirsty.”

—

Hafiz

I suppose it would have been no different

had I followed a star with kings or philosophers,

consulted the heavens and the emperor.

I would have finally found an ordinary house

in a little hill town with a kid and his mom.

I still would have paused and wondered

if this were really the One, but then

not by the star overhead but the light within

wouldn’t I have known anyway?

So it was that I saw her, maybe forty something,

in the third aisle, comparing red and kidney beans,

no star above us but the cluttered grocery ceiling,

but the heavenly eye in me suddenly awakened,

the treasure chest in my chest slid open

by no wisdom of my own, and I saw, I saw

the Near One, the Beloved, the Shepherding Presence,

here, in this one, now, radiant and divine

in her perfect unknowing being,

God coming to flesh in unmistakable anonymity,

as only God always does, indivisibly near,

in the holiness of the real her of her, and of all of us,

how hidden in the heart of things,

how invisible and fleeting the light,

how dependable.

And without any more sure sign than that

I was changed, in numinous company,

and I went home by another road.

__________________

Steve Garnaas-Holmes

Unfolding Light

www.unfoldinglight.net

Covenant

by Tennessee Williams

If you are happy, I will give you an apple,

if you are anxious, I will twist your arm,

and if you permit me, I will be glad to hold you

close to my heart forever and do you no harm.

If I am happy, will you give me an apple?

If I am anxious, you may twist my arm.

And if you would like to, I would like you to hold me

close to your heart forever and do me no harm.

This is a bargain, only two can make it.

This is a covenant offered with desperate calm,

it being uncertain that lovers can drive out demons

with the gift of an apple or the twist of an arm.

What is a small act of pure love?

Isn’t that the ultimate oxymoron?

What matters and what doesn’t?

Who decides?

What really rings the Captain bells in the halls of heaven?

Where are the grandest palaces built?

Who truly owns everything we claim,

everything we hold so dear?

What color will you pick to wear to the grandest wedding you will ever attend?

When do the people who clean the outhouses regain their appetites and feast?

Do you believe everybody’s poop stinks,

yet is a common element of this thing called:

being human?

Should gratitude protect us from life’s hardships?

If I’m thankful do I get to keep what I want?

Why do some people never know hunger and others literally starve to death?

Is it more important to love or be loved?

Can you truly have one without the other?

Which of the following is the more important question?

Why me?

Why NOT me?

❤️

Amy Lloyd